Here’s How You Separate
It’s the “break glass moment”. When one spouse decides it’s time to separate from the marriage.
Whether you are the “initiator” or the “recipient” as Dr. Susan Regan (my Episode 8 guest) calls it, it’s a jarring experience.
I was lucky enough to work with Susan when my ex and I had just separated, and when I interviewed Susan for the show, I got very emotional. The interview took me back to those early days of separation and those intense feelings of loneliness and loss. Nobody gets married expecting they will separate from their spouse. We go into it with this idealized image of our family and our marriage, and when it all comes crashing down, it’s hard to cope.
Susan made a point of telling me that while she’s technically a marriage and family therapist, what she really does is help people explore and improve the relationship they have with themselves. This seemed counterintuitive to me initially, but if you think about it, there’s no better time to look at oneself than during separation and divorce. And to start asking questions like “who have I become?”, “what was my part?”, “what kind of parent do I want to be now?”, and ultimately “what do I want for the next chapter of my life and how can I do things better the next time around”?
Susan dropped some serious wisdom – like when she said “we place too high an expectation on our spouse, as if they should be our entire community, and be responsible for our happiness” (I’m paraphrasing). This is a call to action to be responsible for our own happiness going forward, and a reframe in terms of what we expect from a (next) partner.
She also talked about the need for separating couples to double-down on their role as positive co-parents to their kids. Yes, the marriage is falling apart, but ironically, in the midst of dissolution, partners need to find it within themselves to be the best parents they’ve ever been. The kids didn’t ask for the divorce, it’s the parents’ doing. I think this is the hardest part of the whole process – putting aside the anger and acrimony to show up as a good co-parent in the middle of separation. I highly recommend working with a co-parent counselor during this time.
The other aspect of positive co-parenting is good communication, especially when you and your spouse aren’t on the same page. That’s right - you need to communicate well enough with your spouse to ensure you’re united in how you communicate things to your kids (especially), your community, the kids’ school, etc. Remember, ALL of this is in service to your kids.
Like many of our experts this season, Susan emphasizes the importance of taking care of one’s own mental and emotional health. Finding what she calls a “confidant” – someone who is in your corner, someone who will show up for you and behave in a responsible and positive way towards your spouse or other family members.
This whole process is a test. Remember to be accountable and to put your kids first. And don’t lose sight of one inevitable fact – that there is a next chapter awaiting you.
Jon
