Remember Who You Married

My two most recent guests have reminded me that when now-divorced couples got married, they did so for the best reasons.

They fell in love, they chose a life partner, they valued their presence and love and support. They had kids with their partner and were co-parents. These couples had their version of the “white picket fence”.

Nobody gets married thinking about divorce. We make choices about whom we love and partner with based on who we are at the time, our field of vision, and our level of emotional maturity. And if you really think about it, that choice was the only one we could have made at that point in our lives (based on who we were).

And then we get to the point in a marriage where things fall apart, we separate, and decide to get divorced. 

Our thoughts and emotions become negative about our partner, and the negativity is further heightened by the constant conflict. We blame them, we may even feel hatred, and we wonder how we ever got into a relationship with them. We recoil from their behavior, we say and think things like “they’re crazy, a narcissist, a bully”. They infuriate us by using money and the kids as leverage. 

And yet they’re the same person we once fell in love with and walked down the aisle with. We will need to co-parent kids with them, as long as one of us is walking the earth. 

I asked my Episode 7 guest Laila Aitken about differences between men and women when it comes to divorce. She said that women often continue to want an emotional connection with the man, whereas the man compartmentalizes and may not. She coaches men to acknowledge their spouses, how good they are as moms, to thank them for what they do right and well. Even in the middle of the conflict of divorce. 

I can tell you truthfully that if I had gotten this advice from Laila when I was in the depths of my own divorce struggle, I would have been hard pressed to hear it. But I wish she had been there whispering in my ear. For all our differences, my ex is a loving and committed mom and she deserves recognition for it. 

If you’re in the middle of a divorce struggle, I hope you can close your eyes and reconnect to better times with your spouse. Those feelings were real, not imagined. You can recapture some of the love and respect you have for that person and use it to affirm their humanity. This may change their behavior towards you too. You’ll also be taking the emotional high road.

Jon