The Art of a Good Divorce

Something my guest Tom Sturges said during our interview (Episode 6) really stuck with me. I’m paraphrasing here – “When you give someone else what you didn’t get (in childhood), it heals you”. 

In Tom’s case, he experienced a very tough childhood – he sued for control over his own life at age 14, and won. He escaped the cult where his mom had essentially abandoned him. He lived in over 26 different places as a young person. 

There was nobody in Tom’s life looking out for him, nobody who prioritized him. To boot, his father, the legendary Hollywood Director Preston Sturgess, died when he was three. So Tom had to figure things out for himself which he did and then some.

Tom told me that the thing he wanted most was “to be married only once” – His father married four times, and the instability that represented was a nightmare for him. 

Imagine how he felt staring down his own divorce given his childhood history? Somehow Tom came out of his own traumatic experiences with an innate sense of accountability and personal responsibility. His reaction to the reality of his own divorce was appreciation and gratitude instead of blame and regret. In his words, his divorce mission was generosity, kindness, and respect. 

He focused on giving his kids the things he didn’t get – stability, a sense of “home”, a super attentive dad, and full connection to their mom. He also set his ex up for success, including supporting her songwriting career. Through his Witness to a Dream Foundation, Tom gave a sense of hope and inspiration to countless kids in the LA Public School System, and these kids have become an extension of his own family.

Give others what you didn’t get, and it will heal you. Truly words to live by.

Jon