IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY
As many experts have told me, divorce comes down to two big things: Money and Kids.
This is technically correct, and I can personally attest to it. The vast majority of time, effort and attention with the lawyers, therapists, and other professionals surrounding the divorce process is focused in these two areas.
But as my Episode 9 guest explains, it’s not actually about the money(!)
Wendy Kesser is a Certified Divorce Coach® and ReMatchmaker™️ (sadly, we didn’t get to her role as a “ReMatchmaker” in our interview), and works as an advisor and coach for countless individuals going through divorce, including Silicon Valley elite (I mention this not because it’s intended to be impressive, but to emphasize that the same emotional factors are at work no matter what the estate size).
Money is absolutely at the forefront of most divorces. But what most people fail to understand - and what Wendy helps to make abundantly clear - is that money is a symbol for much deeper emotions that underpin the divorce process, such as fear, anger, insecurity, respect, or dignity. To help clients re-frame what divorce is really about, Wendy starts by helping them identify their values when it comes to how they want to approach the divorce, how they want to shape their relationship with their ex and kids, etc. This, rather than the emotions they have around what money symbolizes to them, becomes the basis for decision-making.
Wendy also offered a different perspective on a “cost effective divorce”. When I remarked that most people are interested in making their divorce as cost effective as possible, she pushed back with one simple question, namely - “What is the value of less stress, less time fighting, and a better co-parent relationship with your ex”?
Two other key points of the settlement process that appear to be purely financial are how to handle the sale of the family home and the idea of a one-time buyout of spousal support.
The family home is full of memories and associated emotions. Your spouse may feel very attached and want to hold on to it, despite the high cost of making this happen. If that’s your case, and you can afford to do so, you might consider giving up your interest in the house and trading something else of value (e.g. giving up your interest in the house for a dramatic reduction in spousal support).
Finally, Wendy urges her clients to choose lawyers who are “creative”. Funny enough, this isn’t top of mind for most people when they choose a lawyer, but in my view it’s very important. The right lawyer can help you look at things from different angles, and find solutions that may not be obvious.
Top-5 takeaways from Episode 9:
Money is a symbol for underlying feelings and emotions like fear, anger and respect – Get clear on your “values” and make your decisions based on these, not your emotions
Be open to giving more in return for less stress and better relationships with your ex and kids
Re-frame the way you think about the family home; you may want to trade for what you value more
Consider a one-time buy-out for spousal support if you can afford it
Make sure to pick a creative lawyer; they will help you get to better solutions that fit your values
The field of “divorce coaching” is relatively new as Wendy explained – In hindsight I wish I’d had someone like Wendy in my corner.
Jon
