Finding Love Again at Midlife
The adage “put your mask on before helping others” rings true when it comes to relationships and finding love again after the break up of a long term relationship.
In my discussion with Amy Brown (Episode 14) we delve into important lessons learned from her experience going through divorce. The newspaper headline would be until you are good inside yourself, don’t try and partner up again for a long-term relationship.
Amy shares her personal experiences of divorcing her husband Ben, and sheds light on the emotional intricacies and bravery that was required to manage the dissolution of her marriage. Early in our discussion she shared that one of her biggest learnings was the resilience she didn’t know she had. I believe this is innate in us all.
We discussed that stressful life experiences trigger our need to control outcomes. Amy emphasized the need for faith and letting go during such times, and knowing that things will work out for us.
We discussed the power of turning emotional wounds into scars – and Amy counseled that we shouldn’t get back out there in the dating world until we have “scars, not wounds”. Otherwise we’ll hurt ourselves or someone else yet again. Acting out of wounding is a key part of co-dependant relationships, which feature controlling behaviors and a constant need for love or recognition (or worse, conflict) with our partners.
All this discussion around emotional healing was a precursor to talking about finding love again. Amy emphasized the importance of authenticity and emotional vulnerability in forming meaningful connections, particularly for men who she described as “trying to float by” without really sharing their emotional insides. Amy also counsels that people should overtly share their needs with potential partners with clarity and confidence (“I like you, and in order to continue this relationship I need …”).
Healing after the break up of a long-term relationship is a non-linear process, meaning the wounds can flare up when we least expect it (Amy referred to this as our “grief backpack”). With a focus on embracing personal growth and emotional authenticity, our future partner is sure to be on our path.
Top 5 Take Aways:
You are more resilient than you know; sometimes it takes hardship to realize this
Women want men who can be emotionally vulnerable
Healing from difficult experiences takes time, and isn’t linear, so go easy on yourself
Understand the concept of co-dependence and how to avoid this relationship dynamic
Be solid and happy within yourself before seeking another relationship
Jon
